A poem I wrote for a film competition, any thoughts on the last two lines would be appreciated as I'm not sure whether it fits or not...
A world where one person can kill us all
where millions die before nightfall.
The lives around us die in a flash
all reduced to rubble and ash.
Everything that we hold dear
will just simply disappear.
Burning flesh and toxic fumes
turns people's homes into tombs.
Imprinted shadows as a constant reminder
that the world should’ve been a little kinder.
If however we do persist
the world around us will cease to exist.
Hi Bronwyn, I think the rhyme works well, but you might want to look at the length of the penultimate line? If they were equal in length, what would the effect be? You could also consider moving them away from the rest of the poem for impact.
ReplyDeleteHey, I thought that this was great (probably too late for you to change your entry now for the comp) but also, the last two lines go although they seem to be in the wrong tense to the rest of the poem. Meh, ignore me... I just read it again and its fine :p
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