Insomnia X

"Whatever you did really pissed him off"

I existed.
That is all.
My best friend hates me now
because I existed.

Not one word for two whole years
about how I annoyed him slightly
with mundane quirks and stresses.

No quiet interventions or gestures.
Nothing of the sort.
Not even an argument of any kind.

Until last week.
500 words of pure hatred and disgust
fired across skype.
All finalised with one line,
"I'm done with your shit, I'm gone"

My best friend hates me now
because I existed
and he refused to be a man about it.
We haven't spoken in a week.

Insomnia IX

Words hurt.
Especially when you're not expecting them.
You don't know who secretly hates  you until they lose their patience.

Thoughts hurt.
Late at night swimming around your mind.
Words replaying in your head like a stuck record.

People hurt.
Those you trust who end up stabbing you.
Friendships lie in shattered pieces because of one action.

Insomnia VIII

Never regret the choices you've made,
I mean it when I say that it won't change a thing.
The present exists because of the past,
if you changed the past then you'd change the present.

"But I'd be happier if it never happened."
But you wouldn't appreciate how far you've come.
"It scarred me for life."
So now you can grow as a person and be better than before.

We all wish we hadn't said the words we did,
that we had thought more clearly before jumping in.
Sure it's normal to blame ourselves and those around us,
but don't let it overwhelm you.

Whilst you think your life is over at 14 because you had a bad week,
when you look back at 19 you'll realise that it wasn't so bad.
Even if it was there's always a lesson to learn;
get more sleep, eat healthier, cherish your friends.

Before you know it you'll be thrown into the adult world,
alone or not it'll be terrifying.
Just remember that your past does not define your future;
it's what you learned from it that does.

Insomnia VII

I saw you cry tonight.
It was not like in the movies
Where I could hold you
And everything would fix itself.

No.
It left a hollow feeling in my chest.
I wanted to hold you.
You needed me tonight
Like I needed you.

The doors slam and the screams echo.
A house that doesn't feel like home.
The internet began to break down
Just as you did.

I saw your brave mask fall.
And behind it your softer side came out.
Your broken side.
All the memories and tragedies spilling between your lips
as you choked on your tears.

"I didn't want you to see me like this"
"It doesn't matter, I still love you"

Insomnia VI

You fell asleep on skype again.
I'm not mad,
I enjoy watching you sleep.

How content you seem,
at peace when your world is falling apart.
And you refuse to break under all the pressure.

You forgot to mute your mic,
I listen to your steady breathing,
longing to be in your arms.

I should be asleep,
it's 4am here in England.
But I can't bring myself to end the call.

You startle awake,
murmuring 'I love you' as you realise I'm still here.
'I love you too' I whisper with a smile.

Insomnia V

Why am I awake?
Well that answer is simple.
You're talking to me.
In this moment nothing else matters;
the essays due in next week,
the lesson tomorrow,
heck even the storm outside is insignificant.

Because you're here with me.
Okay you're not here with me.
You're actually 3,000 miles away,
across an ocean,
on a different continent.
That's beside the point.

It's 3am here, 10pm there.
I have a lesson tomorrow.
You have work.
Yet here we are.
3,000 miles apart.
Tripping over words,
sharing stupid smiles.

The internet is a wonderful thing,
but it's also a cruel thing.
Linking people together
but not letting them touch.
Leaving the physical affection to be desired,
but just out of reach.

Tell me again (aka Insomnia IV)

Tell me again
why you hate me.
Tell me again
how you love me.

Tell me again
what makes you run away.
Tell me again
what keeps you here.

Tell me again
why you worry about me.
Tell me again
how it's all in my head.

Tell me again
what I can do to make you mine.
Tell me again
how I can avoid you forever.